Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
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Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?