Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
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Dumple
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.