The hardest thing Vision has to do
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Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?