As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
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Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs