Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.