I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
seriously you guys
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
