Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

Always a housemaid, never a house.

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

who did the taste test?

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it

-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday