Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.