Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

This why you should mind your business

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.