Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.

Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

This chloroform smells expensiv…

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.