I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
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Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
the #horror is real!
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.