somebody come look at this
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if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom