Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

one last job

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.