“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
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I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
😅🤣😂
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure