Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

Good Morning.

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

Florida man

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.