Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

Donkey Kong sommelier

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

Date: so what’s your love language?

Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!

Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder

Teacher: You know what, please don’t!

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.