Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

😂

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

Friend: Take more chances in life.

Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

Pro tip for my good boys out there

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out