On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
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her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
New menu item
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows