Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

Where is your GOD now????

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”