I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
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Namaste
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Can’t, holding a grudge
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
#merica
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?