Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.

Me: Yes. She did that.

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

Dance like you’re not the father

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

I’m pretty like a car crash.

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

Buy followers?

No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

(Jupiter –

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup