Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
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Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
