Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways

– People who apparently want to go missing

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped