Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.

Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly

Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?