Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

Not recommended for beginners.

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

This is my cat’s medicine.

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?