Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
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There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Imma just leave this here…………
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse