Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day