Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?

Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.

Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”