Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
You Might Also Like
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[eulogy]
line?
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?