I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
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Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I found your tweet-up…
Traveler’s camo
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Friends that check up on you >
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.