Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.