Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!

Perfection.

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

Sponch

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.