Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

so i’m at the stock market right

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

[looking down from heaven]

darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

🤣

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

i would wish you the best but i am the best

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

Hell yeah 👍

Me trying to reach for my goals

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.