roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
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A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Bringing back this classic
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX