My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
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Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
