Is anyone gonna tell them?
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me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Yup!
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
just got my engagement photos
