Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
bugs when you lift up a rock
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Good morning!
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE