Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.

estão todos miauvindo?

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?

Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.

Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.