The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
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Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman