Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.