After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
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I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
And that about sums it up.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.