Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

Excel sheet: People hate me.

Fitted sheet: Join the club.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

hmm conte-me mais

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.

peter parker: i’m broke i need a job

mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…

peter: yes! that’s it

mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-

peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.