I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
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She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Quadruple digit IQ
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.