Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

i wish all

whales

a very

big

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

going to bed

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations