Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

me at the job i begged god for

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”