Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

Yup.

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*

Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!

Me: Thanks, you too

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

*smashes car through your living room*

Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess