Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

A small tragedy.

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?