Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
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Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
The 6 types of sex
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
kevin is now a local weatherman
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts