the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
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Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
When I laugh on my period
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
the best thing i’ve ever made
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.