The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
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Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Just ordered me some pizza!
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?